The Five Guys of Drinking
Gus Merwin
amarc543@uwsp.edu
Alcohol affects everyone differently. Half the fun of going to parties is trying to spot the various personalities that people take on once you pump enough of grandpa’s ole cough medicine in them. I have done a lot of independent research in my three semesters of college and I have managed to classify many of the drinkers I have come across.
 
Fighting Guy: This guy as his name suggests is looking to get sauced and get physical. This is the guy that is ready to throw down the minute someone bumps his drink and spills some Fleischmann’s on his shoes. Fighting guy comes in all shapes and sizes, but the majority that I have observed are neither physically or mentally intimidating. Fighting guy always has friends that he relies on to “hold him back” once the situation escalates to something other than chest bumping and bad words.
 
Can I Buy Some Off You Guy: This is one of the most unfortunate guys you can meet. Can I Buy Some Off You Guy is usually the last one to know about the party and is not prepared whatsoever. He usually walks into your room when you’re pre-gaming and is surprised when he sees that you have alcohol in hand. When you ask him if he’s going out he always responds with the textbook, “I don’t have any booze.” You empathize with his situation because you acknowledge the fact that it happens to everyone. However, once you respond with, “Oh that sucks,” he honors his name and asks if he can buy some off you. You give in to his request upon either payment up front, or in the form of Taco Bell later that night.
 
Fun Guy: This is the guy that we should all strive to be simply for the fact that he classes up a party. Fun Guy is the one that gets drunk enough to slur his words and stumble, but is sober enough to be coherent and stand on his own. Despite his demeanor when sober, Fun Guy is always a social butterfly when he goes to parties. He is adored by men and women alike and is the guy that is most likely to make out with someone by the end of the night. Fun guy is often very touchy-feely and loves to give hugs. He cracks jokes that are not always funny but you laugh anyway because it’s Fun Guy who is telling them.
 
Depressing Guy: Drinking with this guy always ends up bad news bears. Depressing Guys always starts off fine and is often one of the most excited to drink. Once he slams a few shots off Mr. Boston and bongs one too many Keystones he gets that look on his face. He detaches himself from all conversation and begins to think about the emotions that have been brewing. Depressing Guy is often a former athlete who can’t let go of high school and listens to Boys of Fall five too many times. He will regale his friends with tales of how he should have won conference player of the year and he’ll call former opponents and brag about things that happened three years ago. Depressing Guy will then proceed to get misty eyed when he sees a girl that reminds him of his ex and he will have to leave a party because he “just wants to be alone right now.” Depressing Guy is often associated with Buzz Kill Guy.
 
Dead Guy: Dead Guy is the least threatening and least fun guy at the party. This is the guy who “pre-games harder than you party” and ends up sacked out before the sun goes down. There are separate stages to Dead Guy. Stage 1 Dead Guy is the guy that is propped up against a wall with drool oozing out of his mouth and his head slumped in his chest, just wiggling to the beat. Stage Two Dead Guy is no longer on his feet and had posted up on the nearest piece of furniture he can find. His eyes have gone from glassy to completely closed, but he is still holding on to a drink in hopes that he can get his second wind. Stage Three Dead Guy is the one who has lost the ability to move and articulate any sound besides snoring. Stage Three Dead Guy is the one who will wake up with marker all over his face and will be tagged in 20 pictures of his friends doing despicable things to his unconscious body.
 
These are the five most common variations of drunk guys that I have stumbled upon during the course of my research. However, I am certain that there are more exotic strains out there of drunk guys waiting for you to discover them puking in the backyard. And don’t even get me started on drunk girls.