Local Hipster Suffers Brain Injury - "Goes Bro"
MANTOOTH Dos Santos - April 1st 2012
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Stevens Point, WI - Popular opinion states that Jägermeister tastes pretty damn good on the lips but where does one draw a line in consumption? What are the long-term effects of a simple "jaggy bomb?"
 
According to friends, former hipster Leif Andreas drew the line by ditching his vinyl copy of the new Andrew Bird album and instead spent the entirety of an afternoon listening to Dave Matthews Band’s "Live From Central Park" while daydreaming about playing catch football in the streets in his brand new cut off t-shirt.
 
Andreas wasn’t always like this, however; according to his former best friend Nick Peplinski, Andreas was quite the culture nut.
"We spent the weekend riding on our fixed-gear bicycles only to stop at a park to grill our vegan portabella mushroom burgers and discuss the literature of Jack Kerouac when the accident happened," Peplinski said.
 
Andreas was struck in the head with a Frisbee that was being played by what Peplinski describes as "a bunch of bros."
 
 

​Local student Leif Andreas, pictured left, with some douche.
Photo by Joaquin Phoenix.
 
 
After a day in intensive care and a week recovering in the hospital, Andreas was released and healthy, though to most who were close to him noticed a change. Andreas’ recent ex-girlfriend Kelly Kipper noticed the change immediately.
 
"He didn’t seem interested in the same things as he used to be interested in, I started to really worry when he claimed that Nickelback wasn’t really that bad of a band," Kipper said.
 
It didn’t stop there--fellow weekenders claimed that Andreas stopped showing up to Guu’s on Main for famous $1.50 taps of Pabst Blue Ribbon and instead started reppin’ his new too tight popped collar polo at Graffiti’s. He was spotted doing not one but several jagger bombs, followed by approximately two fist pumps to stress the idea of "how much of a bad ass I am," as stated by Andreas.
Why such an extreme change in personality? Psychologist Dr. Rob Milo thinks he may have a clue.
 
"Though I haven’t met with Andreas personally, referencing his friends’ accounts it seems as though Andreas might have what we call Bro-polar disorder," Milo said.
 
What exactly is bro-polar disorder? Well, according to Dr. Milo it is a mental disorder that usually occurs from forced head trauma that stems from an incident involving something "douchey or overly misogynistic." The trauma usually results in the patient becoming a huge asshole to the rest of society.
 
Milo recommends avoiding Frisbees, Jack Johnson albums, fist pumps, and Axe deodorant, for all of them can prolong the disorder.
Is there a cure? Well, according to Milo, only time will tell.
 
"Most patients don’t make it, they typically die from run-ins with other bros, you know the whole "Yo bro you hitting on my girl?" type of thing," Milo said.
 
That being said, we can only hope that Andreas stays off the bottle and stays out of trouble.
 
"I really want my friend back, Urban Outfitters has a sale in Milwaukee this weekend and it would be really nice to have someone to split gas money with," Peplinski said.