The world is obnoxiously serious. But it doesn’t have to be. This column is testament to that. In a life full of nuisance, pain, and strife there can be found a rich abundance of hilarity and laughter. Sports may seem a trivial and complex choreographed performance, but it’s really just a game. And what are games? Fun. Just like this column.

Since men emerged from the steel mills and slaughterhouses and migrated to the sandlots of their boyhood to throw around the ole pigskin, one of them has stood apart from the rest; the quarterback. A good quarterback garners the respect of his team. A great quarterback captivates the hearts of his devoted fans.

The quarterback has taken its place among the Ford Model T, Mount Rushmore, and John Wayne as an interwoven thread of the quilt that is America. Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, Tom Brady, and now…Mitch Beau.

How long have you been playing the position of quarterback?

“Ever since I started playing football. I’ve never played any other position besides quarterback since flag started.”

During that span, how many times have you thrown the ball left-handed?

“In a game never, in practice a few times.”

What would you say is your best skill on the field?

“Instincts, and arm strength.” 

Who is your favorite character from the “Rugrats?”

“Definitely Tommy. Just classic.”

What Pokémon do you think would make the best football player, why?

“Blastoise…put him at middle linebacker…he can use his water guns.”

Can you beat Coach Journell in a thumb war?

“No.”

Have you ever worn lifts in your cleats to look taller?

“No. Although they would be very helpful.”

How would you describe your throwing motion in one word?

“Unique, because it’s never the same everytime.”

How would you describe Tim Tebow’s throwing motion?

“Different.”

Backstage passes to Beyoncé or a lifetime subscription to Cosmo?

“If I had to choose one, I guess Cosmo.”

Favorite song to listen to during a candlelight dinner?

“Not one single song, but some Frank Sinatra…Ladies love it.”

Word Association With Mitch Beau

Me: “Jockstrap.”

Mitch: “Cup.”

Me: “Concussion.”

Mitch: “Headache.”

Me: “Lady Gaga.”

Mitch: “Gross.”

Me: “UWSP football.”

Mitch: “Awesome.”

Me:  “Mitch Beau.”

Mitch: “Mitch Beau.”