By Dr. Pat Shaw, assistant professor in educational psychology, University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point 

Confession #1: I'm a Liar.

This is not really my first year of university teaching. Last year I was an associate lecturer in educational psychology as well as a supervisor of student teachers. After surviving the search and screen process and successfully (re) interviewing for my position, I am now an assistant professor doing much the same thing I did last year. Having earned a doctorate in 2001 at the age of 52,1 am in my first year as an assistant professor, a real academic.
Confession #1: I'm Still Nervous.

Despite having a year of teaching in higher education under my belt, I feel like I'm starting over. Perhaps it's the new year with new students, or more likely, having a new title behind my name contributes to the "first year" jitters all over again. I have quickly learned that new responsibilities accompany the title, such as obligations to serve on committees, publish and present, advise students. They have created in my mind a new perspective of my job, one that seems much different from last year.

Confession #3: I'm Unsure When to Speak and When
to Keep Quiet.

Those who know me well would be shocked at this admission. I have had a history, at least recently, of being quite capable of expressing myself at any given moment on almost any subject. And while I still have that capability, I'm not sure when to take that moment. My mentors have encouraged me to freely express my opinions on most any topic that arises in any conversation or meeting, public or private. Although I'm loosening up a bit, I'm also unsure of how my colleagues and students may respond. So I continue to cautiously wade, rather than jump, into deeper conversational and sometimes political
waters.

Confession #4: I'm Not Just Nervous, I Feel Fear.

I lied about Confession # 2. My nervousness is real, though not an all-consuming, uncontrollable, fear. I'm afraid I am not, or won't be, "good enough"�whatever that means in academia. Shouldn't one be a great teacher whose student evaluations are at least as high as the department average, as well as a diligent researcher, an insightful scholarly writer and a dynamic speaker? One should be able to hold her own in any discussion about most anything with anyone to be "good enough," right?

To date, I'm still waiting for a letter of acceptance from a publisher, although I have received one rejection notice. On the presentation circuit I have even scores: one acceptance, one rejection. Despite frequent reassurances that I�m doing fine, I sometimes fear that without considerable improvement in my scholarship record within the next year, I'll be looking for an assistant professorship else-where.
Confession #5:1 Don't Have a Singular Research Focus.

During the months before finally deciding on my dissertation

topic, a colleague described my indecision as caused �by "an unhealthy diversity of interests." I still have it. Each of the articles I submitted for publication has addressed a different education-related topic: women administrators and power; death, divorce and issues of religion in the classroom; and creating an on-line course for graduate students.

"They" say good teaching is the primary focus at our university and publishing is of secondary importance. However, I have been warned not to believe "them," that one indeed must publish or perish. Many professors have one or two areas of expertise about which they write numerous articles, taking a different twist or perspective to make the information new and fresh. Although a few colleagues have encouraged me to adopt this singular approach, my writing tends to focus on areas in which I see a need to address particular issues: women and power, women and on-line instruction, commuting students. Thus I rationalize my research diversity.

 Confession #6: I Have Guilt.

I believe the guilt that occasionally surfaces is my reaction to the lack of others' understanding about my position. I have scheduled class times and office hours when I must be in a designated place, but the rest of the time I can be wherever I choose, which is often at home. There I can read and respond to e-mail, write, read, grade papers, and post grades to the on-line grading program, all activities that also can be done at the office.

However, when I answer the phone at home in the middle of the day and the caller says, "Why aren't you at work? Gee, it must be nice to get paid for staying home," I tend to wonder if I really am dedicating "enough" time to� my job. When I spoke with another academic about this guilt, she assured me I would get over my guilt after one year because I'd be so busy fulfilling all the expectations of the assistant professorship that I wouldn't have time to worry about feeling guilty.

Confession #7: I'm Having a Great Time!

I have wonderful mentors and supportive colleagues who believe in my abilities and encourage me to take healthy risks to grow as a professional. The dean of the college and the department chair, both strong, intelligent and caring women, are inspirations to me. I love working with my students and find them to be refreshing and challenging, despite my on-going apprehension at receiving semester-end teacher evaluations. The campus atmosphere continually offers me new opportunities for personal and professional development.

This is the best job I've ever had, and that's one thing I�m not afraid to tell anyone! ^

 

Reach Dr. Pat Shaw at pshaw@uwsp.edu